Losing control is never fun
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I hate feeling out of control and maybe that's partly why I'm so comfortable being single. The men that have made impacts on my life have generally caused me to lose some control, which is sometimes exciting, sometimes just?traumatic.
I would love to say that I deal with the traumatic moments as well as I handle the exciting times but the truth is I just can?t.
Close Encounters of the Past
I recently wrote about running into a man I used to care about a lot. I don?t think I made very clear how much he meant to me, partly because I didn?t think it was necessary and also because he hurt me more than I?d like to admit.
He changed who I was by basically being himself. He was older but not patronizing, smarter but not condescending, more culturally sensitive and politically aware but not pretentious. He was funny, interesting, creative and different. I?d never met anyone like him before. He probably doesn't even realize what a profound effect he had on my life because, like many young girls, I tried desperately to hide my feelings for him, as well as my ignorance about most of his interests, goals and ambitions.
Often people get very concerned about trying to impress people. Sometimes this results in ?copying? their personal passions, hobbies, etc. in an attempt to gain approval or interest. I don't think it's always a bad idea to absorb some aspects of different people?s personalities that you admire. There?s a difference between trying to be something that you aren't and letting someone else broaden your horizons, whether that?s in terms of food, music, politics or values and ethics.
Learning To Deal
Anyway, I was recently accused of not fully dealing with my recent encounter with this man from the past. I realized that it?s true; I haven?t. But it?s a complicated situation.
At the time of writing the article, I didn?t think it was a good idea to suggest ways to get over someone who meant a lot to you when I couldn?t do it myself. I didn?t know how I felt about the bizarre way that we finally ran into each other after months of unexplained silence but I did know that I wasn?t going to let it go. So I did what many 21st century gals would do, I emailed him. I explained that I felt hurt and confused about him cutting off communication for no apparent reason. I said that I had hoped we could stay in touch since we always got along well and that I?d appreciate an explanation.
I never heard back.
In the interest of full disclosure, he does live with his girlfriend. I didn?t know this when we first started meeting for the occasional coffee. It had been years since we?d worked together and it?s kind of awkward to announce your relationship status right away (although I still think he could?ve told me sooner, but I digress?). Either way, I don?t think the fact that he has a girlfriend is a good reason to stop being friends. Nothing remotely inappropriate was ever even hinted at. In fact, I don?t know for sure whether he even knew I had feelings for him. Speculation does nothing but drive me crazy.
Upon reflection, I think the best and only real way to deal with hurt and unreciprocated feelings is how you?d deal with any problem. You try to appreciate the good parts and learn from everything else. For me personally, I have the added challenge of needing to learn to let go.
All By Myself
Initially, my overwhelming need for control and emotional stability kick into high gear and force down feelings of vulnerability and sadness. I so desperately don?t want to be another girl whining about lost loves or opportunities (especially when I never even had him in the first place) so I try to downplay the significance of anything I can?t control. I also don?t want to idealize about the perfect man and relationship. I just want to be honest and smart with myself. At the same time though, sometimes I just want to give in to all that stupid behaviour that everyone allows themselves. I want to cry, talk for hours to friends, listen to sappy songs and I want to stop having to reassure myself that I?m okay, that I?m smart, funny and attractive.
The reason I can seem harsh about being so emotionally indulgent and call it stupid and lame is because it devolves so quickly from a genuinely helpful catharsis to detrimental, counterproductive behaviour. It's one thing to feel bad about something or someone but it's another to feel bad about yourself. Feeling as if you need a quick fix or someone to make you feel good about yourself can lead to bad choices in everything from food, to missing work, to sleeping with strangers. Those things make us feel better temporarily maybe, but much worse in the long run, creating a vicious cycle of self-destructive behaviour and negativity. Better to start with the negativity and tell yourself it?s stupid to be sad about a guy!
It?s also made me realize that being in control isn?t always the best place to be anyway. It?s an endless cycle of being dissatisfied. If he wrote back, I?d have dragged things on and the result would be the same. It just would?ve been a longer, more painful and probably embarrassing process for me.
I?ve been more introspective about my need for control regarding men in general. Maybe I wanted this man so much because I never felt in control, whereas with other men, it seems too easy sometimes. I don?t know why I seek this control because I hardly ever feel satisfied by the outcome. How satisfying is a reward that you feel you engineered entirely?
It's hard being single sometimes. It?s hard not to feel defensive and ganged up on. I've said before that I am tired of defending being single but what I?m really sick of is telling myself that it?s okay to be single. So much of the world seems geared to ending single life and people seem so happy when they find 'the right person', like it?s the ultimate prize.
While I do think there?s more to life than that, I think everyone does want to experience love, including me, so when it?s just not happening, it?s hard to reassure yourself constantly that there isn?t something wrong with you. It?s one thing to be cheeky about dating and to easily identify and reject people that aren?t for you, but it?s harder to be happy about the fact that you never do really click with someone. And it?s even harder to feel good about that when you come face to face with the one person you thought could really be ?The One? for you, when you know that he doesn't, didn?t, and won't ever feel the same way.
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letting go is hard to do
There are things we can?t control, it?s true. I?m still trying to get used to this. Maybe some of you need to learn to let go a bit too. No one is perfect. All we can do is try. We've all done things we're not proud of, we?ve all been hurt and frustrated, but since we can?t choose what happens to us, all we?re left with is choosing how we react to whatever does happen.
And of course, silently resenting someone for the rest of your life. Hey, miracles don?t happen overnight.
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