Loneliness and the Single, Urban Dweller

It's Friday night. You arrive home late and exhausted from another week of demanding, stressful work and long hours that have left you no time for even thinking about the week-end, let alone planning for it. So, here you are, tired, alone and already anticipating the boredom, isolation and catch-up errands and housework that are to come. Sound familiar?

Unlike generations past, singles today are delaying marriage while pursuing advanced education and demanding careers, often in places far away from where they grew up. The 2002 census data tells us that the median age for first marriage has risen to 25.3 for women and 26.9 for men. This marriage delay has led to a long period of single years in which individuals who have often relocated for school and/or work must find new ways to meet their needs for familial intimacy and sharing.

This new lifestyle has been on the rise for over twenty years, as societal norms have shifted due to divorce, the new sexuality and a desire on the part of singles to marry after they have reached an age in which they know who they are and what they want out of life. Older singles, (late 30's to early 50's) were the pioneers in this new way of life. The role models available to them were primarily limited to early marriage after high school, some college or upon completion of a college degree. Marriage was the (expected) next step and the route that marriage-minded people felt they had to choose.

For those who didn't marry early, the single life has not lived up to its promises. Yes, they have been successful in their careers and many singles own their own homes and have reached a certain level of financial stability and freedom, but the lifestyle issues can be huge. They believed the right person would happen along after they had met their educational and professional goals. Instead, many singles in this age group report that they struggle with a loneliness that has resulted from an imbalance in their lives. Time passed, friends married and moved away and their families of origin were no longer able to function as they once had due to aging or deceased parents. They often refer to themselves as workaholics who attempt to meet needs primarily through success in their careers, while neglecting their social and personal lives.

Younger singles in their twenties to mid-thirties express similar issues, yet there are differences that are significant and worth taking a look at. These younger singles had somewhat different role models. Education and career were placed at the top of their lists from childhood. Many had working mothers, who raised their daughters (as well as their sons) to focus on becoming strong, independent adults who could "have it all" if they followed these rules for success. Putting off marriage was encouraged as a way to help them achieve their own personal goals first. Therefore, these singles embrace the belief that you shouldn't marry until you know yourself first and have learned to meet your own needs.

How has this difference impacted the quality of the lives of these two groups of singles? Younger singles began their independent lives with the expectation of more single years ahead and an attitude that they must build a complete life for themselves and not DELAY (amongst other things), building strong peer support systems. This gave rise to the close-knit, family like groups that are now often referred to as Urban Tribes. A writer named Ethan Watters first used this term in 2001 in a magazine article he wrote about the "tribe" that he had belonged to for a number of years, and how it had nurtured and sustained its members with friendship, emotional support, financial help and family-like bonds.

These tribes were often started with a core group who went to school together, worked in their first jobs together and/or lived together in order to share expenses. As time went on, the bonds deepened and many "tribers" report that they have many of the advantages of family without the responsibility and commitment of marriage. Many have marriage as their goal but are living "full and satisfying" lives until that time.

How can the tribal experience benefit older singles who have found that many of their old friends have moved away or married? They can begin (wherever they are in their lives) to create communities that can meet their current needs and lifestyles. This of course, will be more challenging at this stage of life. So, where should they begin? The following is a rough list of ideas:

* friends from work
* old friends who still share a similar lifestyle
* new friends they meet through volunteer work, social groups, other friends, leisure time pursuits and church
* internet searches for local singles

Every metropolitan area offers a wide range of groups for singles. Some are hosted by for-profit companies as well as singles groups/clubs that are affiliated with religious and other private organizations. You can find them on the Internet by typing in key words such as "singles activities" along with you specific region of residence. Then you can go through the listings, looking for activities and pursuits that you feel would attract singles with whom you would have things in common. A great resource for all singles looking to meet new people is www.craigslist.org. There you can search for friends (as well as many other categories) who are located in your neighboring region.

In order for a community like this to take hold, members must be willing to set limits on their work lives and make themselves available for "family style" dinners, nights out, shared leisure time and structured outings and/or vacations, and support as needed to individuals within the group. Just as everyone within a family has their defined role, so will these emerge in tribes. Some will be the organizers or leaders, others will handle the details, while the rest will contribute as needed and as their strengths and interests allow. Over time, friendships and bonds will grow. Individual members will be provided with the support, caring and security they need in order to live a happy single life, which is the foundation on which all healthy intimate relationships are built.

Perfectionism ~ Dangerous Lifestyle Trap

Just when I have something figured out, along comes another how-to-article telling me how to be or do something better or even change my entire life. No matter where I turn, I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough in more ways than one. I am not smart enough, not rich enough, not slim enough, not efficient enough, not attractive enough, not powerful enough, not “with it” enough and probably “out of it” altogether.

That’s me and it gets worse. In line with our education economy, yesterday’s perfect diet is banned today and my car of the year was just recalled. My time-management is out of date and my writing achievements fade against the big authors. Yes, I am my own worst critic. Growing up with perfectionist parents didn’t help either. It wasn’t until their seventies, that my father could tolerate fingerprints on his freshly washed car and that my mother learned to enjoy a meal without matching table decor.

Perfectionism is driving us up the wall or around the bend and neither direction is desirable. Far too many reach for anti-depressants or cope on some other crutch. We live under constant pressure to be perfect and expect nothing less from others. Intensely glued to information that helps us conform to some perfect ideal, we learn less about ourselves. Detached from the core of who we are, we show up with fabricated selves to gain approval.

There is quite a difference between aiming for a successful life and trying to achieve perfection. Contrary to popular belief, perfection is not required to succeed in love and life. In fact, the perfectionism-trap has serious negative consequences:

• We feel our accomplishments are never good enough.
  
• We value people based on their achievements.
  
• We believe doing our best doesn’t cut it.
  
• We take mistakes personally and hesitate to try again.
  
• We are vulnerable to rejection.
  
• We do what we should, not what we want.
  
• We set impossible to reach goals.
  
• We are hard on others and ourselves.
  
• We expect perfection of others.
  
• We develop a obsession with perfectionism.
  
• We feel we never measure up.
  
• We fear failure in relationships and have difficulties being intimate.
  
• We don’t pursue a relationship out of fear it might not be perfect.
  
• We become critical of our partners.
  

To sum it up, we believe that unless we are perfect success and love will evade us. The biggest cost of perfectionism is our neglect of the humble core within and our failure to claim a life in alignment with our true self. Instead of focusing on our qualities and all that is right with us, we are busy fixing everything seemingly imperfect. Driven to live up to the perfect ideal we become pretentious, self-promoting, critical human beings. Because of our focus on achieving goals, we never enjoy the journey of getting there. As a result we lose the irreplaceable moments of relating to people and doing things.

Webster defines perfectionism as "a disposition, which regards anything short of perfect as unacceptable." The torment for perfectionists is that they never find anything perfect, simply because perfection does not exist. Instead they suffer from social and personal anxiety and strained relationships. To find peace, accept ourselves and nurture the best in us, we have to overcome perfectionism and:

• Use our mistakes as opportunities for growth.
  
• Set goals in line with who we are and what we want.
  
• Accept ourselves as human beings with flaws.
  
• Give less than 100% and still experience success.
  
• Enjoy the journey instead of focusing on the goal.
  
• Recognize that anxiety arises when we set unrealistic goals.
  
• Understand that we get more done and feel better about ourselves if we don’t strive for perfection.
  
• Give up the irrational belief that relationships must be perfect.
  
• Stop second-guessing ourselves.
  
• Be compassionate with our partners and ourselves.
  

Thousands of people give less than 100% to a goal, but 100% to the journey and succeed. Everyday people don’t give all they’ve got, but still get done what they need to. If we try to give 100 % to everything we do, we never get enough done. Perfectionists operate on the assumption that unless they can give 100 % to a task, they won’t even start. As a result, they become occupied with trivial details and put off tasks until they can make a 100% effort. Perfectionists tend to be procrastinators with endless to-do lists and dreams put on hold until "some day. "

When it comes to relationships, perfectionists don’t do that well either. Single perfectionists keep on dating without making a choice, thinking someone more perfect will be around the corner. When they are in a relationship, the fear that it might not be perfect, keeps their relationships from progressing. Even when they finally settle with a partner, second-guessing their choice and being critical of their partner ensures frustrating relationships. Compromise in love as well as in life is difficult for them. Perfectionists pay a high price for the misguided belief that choosing the right love partner will guarantee a perfect relationship.

The entire perfectionist-trap becomes a vicious cycle in life and love. The more we attempt to be perfect in every area, the more anxious we get. This anxiety is coupled with a feeling of always falling short or behind. Consequently we concentrate on what is wrong with us or what we didn’t do. While doing our very best is admirable, more often than not, doing a good job is enough. The truth is that we are always half-cooked human beings in transition. Nobody will love us any more just because we are more perfect. We are being loved for the passion and spirit we bring to the table as genuine human beings.

Survive The "Alone For Holiday" Blues

No one wants to be alone during the holidays and sometimes being single doesn’t allow you to change the circumstances. However, you can do things to help focus on making yourself “merry” during the holidays.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Have a “Holiday Feast” for other single friends. To make sure everyone gets involved, have everyone bring a favorite dish to share. Even if you know only one or two people to invite, have each of them invite a friend, and have their friends invite a friend and so on, and before you know it, it’s a rousing good time.
  
• Exercise and keep those endorphins pumping, especially if you have a tendency to avoid your feelings of loneliness by sleeping too much.
  
• Choose healthy food. Pick food that will stabilize your blood sugar when you know you might be sampling lots of sweets during the holidays.
  
• Decorate your house or apartment with lots of holiday lights. Do it for YOU. Often the moods of the seasons are affected by shorter days and longer nights during November and December. Our biological body recognizes these signals and often people react in extreme ways and can’t seem to stop eating, gaining weight and sleeping excessively.
  
• If visits from certain people during the holidays in the past have affected you in a negative way, it’s time to assert yourself. Let them know that “This is not a good time for me to have guests,” or “I have other plans this year, but thanks for asking.” You do not have to make excuses or defend yourself. They may expect you to give an excuse, but you don’t have to do it. Make your own choices. Assert your right to say, “No, and thanks for asking.”
  
• Practice gratitude. Be thankful for all the things you DO have and avoid focusing on what you lack. Count your blessings. Make a list. When you really look, you can find many positive things to focus on.
  
• If you have children or loved ones who come to visit, do your best to create an atmosphere that focuses on “doing” rather than “having.” Plan lots of holiday activities together; bake some cookies together; read a story out loud; make your own holiday decorations; give homemade gifts.
  
• Read a good book; one that will help you focus on being the very best person you can be; one that will help you understand that the only relationship you have total responsibility for is the one you have with yourself.
  
• Visit a nursing home. Statistics show that many elderly people are often forgotten during the holidays. Your visit will ALWAYS be appreciated! Give them a small homemade gift or a holiday card. Spread some holiday cheer!
  
• Avoid alcohol and party drugs. If you are already feeling down, alcohol depletes the brain of serotonin, a chemical it needs to maintain normal mood. Party drugs can only create additional relationship stress. Just say, “No.”
  
• Go to one of the many holiday parties that are given specifically for singles. You can find some of them at the SavvyInsider.com Social Calendar.
  
  
• Don’t depend on someone else to make your season bright. You alone must do whatever it takes to do that.
  

Have fun. Create some new memories. Defy tradition and start your own. Have a brainstorming get-together with a few of your friends and together create a list of fun things to do this December.

Then … have a Happy Holiday!

Getting The Hang Of It

Installing artwork in your home can be confusing. How high should the picture be hung on the wall? How do you decide what goes where? What does symmetry, line, and balance mean?

Oft times artwork is brought into the home as the finishing touch. It is the element that can instantly create warmth in a space, and, make the space expand visually, while creating a point of interest in a room.

When getting started keep in mind the following guidelines:

1. Artwork should be installed so that the picture’s center point is at eye level for the average person.

2. Choose smaller pictures for narrow walls and larger works for larger walls.

3. When installing more than one piece of art (in a grouping) remember it should be thought of as one unit.

As a trial run for installing more than one picture, layout the artwork on the floor or, lay each piece out on brown wrapping paper. Next, trace each piece to determine where the picture hanging hooks should be installed. Tape the paper up on the wall as a template for each picture hanging hook. This will make installation a breeze and will aid ascribing the boundaries of a picture grouping.

4. When installing art over a piece of furniture the artwork should not be longer than the furniture. As a general rule it should not be more than 75% of the furniture’s width and, the bottom of the artwork should be within 4-8 inches of the top of the furniture.

5. Artwork with horizontal lines will elongate or widen a wall. It will also draw attention to the focal point of the room.

6. Artwork with vertical lines add to the illusion of height in a room.

7. Positioning artwork in diagonal lines creates a dramatic look and works especially well when hung in a staircase.

8. Symmetry means that when an installation is divided in half, each half is a mirror image of the other. This adds balance and creates a formal cohesive statement.

9. Always use picture hanging hooks rated for the weight of the artwork, (5lbs, 20lbs, etc) they can be purchased at your local hardware store.

10. And finally, artwork can be lost visually unless it is properly illuminated. Light Art Well! It will give the artwork importance.

Making Your Money Last Over The Years

Nest eggs now have to be bigger as life expectancy lengthens.

Financial planners ALL tell a version of the same story. A moderately prosperous couple, not quite retirement-age empty-nesters, wants to leave the workaday world. Do we have enough money, they ask, to see us through our senior years?

That depends on the comforts and lifestyle they want, the planners say, and on just how long they'll live in retirement -- which, of course, no one can know. Most folks understand that those huge stock market gains are history and have tempered their expectations. What clients don't often realize is that life expectancy has even a greater impact on the adequacy of a nest egg. In planning today, it's prudent to assume that a healthy 60-year-old will make it to 90 or even 95. The money that seemed sure to see someone to 80 or 85 then falls short. The inescapable conclusion: The price we pay for living longer is working longer.

Take John and Linda Porter, a fictitious couple who want to retire a year from now, when he's 60 and she's 59. They have a combined annual income of $200,000, money in 401(k)s, individual retirement accounts, and a taxable investment account. We also assumed they would make $500,000 in tax-free profit by selling their house. (Federal tax law provides a $250,000 capital gains exclusion per person when you sell a house in which you've lived for two of the past five years.) They plan to move into a retirement home in North Carolina that they own and on which they still have a $100,000 mortgage. Depending on whether they pay off the mortgage, their nest egg comes to a not-too-shabby $1.3 million if they don't -- or $1.2 million if they do.

We asked four financial planners to assess the Porters' prospects. Their answer: The Porters could count on annual income of $60,000 to $90,000 in current dollars, indexed 2.5% to 3% for inflation, for up to 37 years of retirement. That amounts to 33% to 45% of their pre-retirement earnings, far short of the 70% to 100% planners say is needed to maintain your pre-retirement lifestyle.

The differences in income estimates depend on many factors, only some of which the Porters can control. The couple has made two decisions: when to stop working and where to live. Other controllable factors, on which the planners generally agreed, were that they should start taking Social Security as early as possible, when each turns 62, and should pay off the mortgage on their retirement home. The Social Security benefit -- indexed annually for inflation -- will account for $16,200 of their income if John starts at 62 and an additional $10,800 from Linda a year later. That's 25% less than each would receive by waiting until their full retirement age of 66. But, says Jean Sinclair, a planner in La Jolla, Calif., if the Potters did wait until 66 to receive Social Security, it would take them 12 years to reach the "breakeven point" when they would make up for the Social Security income lost between ages 62 and 66.

Three of the four planners recommended that the Porters use $100,000 of the house-sale profit to pay off the mortgage on the retirement home. The rationale: The value of the tax deduction on the mortgage interest would wane as their income falls and those monthly payments are increasingly devoted to principal.

BIG BITE
Besides social security, the Porters' only other income will come from their investments. The advisers suggested rolling the 401(k) money into a traditional IRA (with no tax consequences) because it gives them more control and investment options. They also recommended putting the remaining $400,000 from their house sale into their taxable investment account.

Early retirement takes a big bite out of anyone's capital. Social Security won't kick in for a few years, and Medicare doesn't begin until they turn 65. That means the Porters might have to cover $600 to $800 a month in medical insurance for five or six years. People who wait until they get Medicare before retiring might not have such high costs.

So how long will the money last? Suppose the Porters' portfolio earns a 7% average annual rate of return. At a 7% withdrawal rate, it will last 20 years, according to a table used by Deena Katz, a financial planner in Coral Gables (Fla.). Drop the withdrawal rate to 6%, and the money should last 25 years, and at 5%, 36 years.

All these figures can differ significantly depending on the planners' assumptions. Steve Merkel, a financial planner in Coconut Grove, Fla., figured on 2% inflation, not 3%. So even with a 5% withdrawal rate and a 4% return on assets, he figures that in 35 years, when John turns 95, the couple would still have nearly $749,000 in their account. That would still be roughly $375,000 in current dollars, assuming a 2% inflation rate.

All of the advisers recommended the Porters allocate 60% of the portfolio to stocks and 40% to bonds or divide the portfolio evenly between stocks and bonds. To minimize risk, they suggested investing in mutual funds and creating a "laddered" bond portfolio -- a strategy of buying short-term bonds that mature in 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 years, reinvesting the proceeds in the five-year bonds as each group matures. None of the counselors thought buying a fixed-income annuity now was a good idea. Harry Scheyer, a planner in Marlton, N.J., said interest rates are too low to lock in a long-term investment, even one that offers an inflation adjustment. He suggested the Porters reconsider an annuity in 10 years, when their lifestyle is more settled and their needs more predictable.

TAX STRATEGIES
The porters can improve their situation with some savvy tax planning, too. Guy Holman, a financial planner in Denver, suggests the couple vary the asset allocation within the different accounts. He recommends that they invest both their taxable account and their Roth IRA funds 100% in stocks. Holman also says the taxable account should be managed to generate long-term gains, which will be taxed at just 5% if the Porters can keep their taxable income to the 15% marginal tax bracket and 15% if their income is higher. The gains in the Roth IRA won't be taxed because the Porters already paid tax on the money. Holman would invest funds in a traditional IRA -- which is taxed as income when withdrawn -- of 80% fixed-income securities and 20% stocks.

Making your money last depends mostly on devising a financial plan and sticking to it, reviewing the plan at least once a year, and correcting it when necessary. Katz suggests retirees withdraw a little less than what they think they'll earn, such as taking 6% if you're making 7%. That provides some buffer against a turndown in the market.

Can the Porters plan on retiring in 12 months? Sure, if they're willing to live on $60,000 at first. But Scheyer says the best strategy for the Porters would be to make an up-front "adjustment" by continuing to work for a few more years. That would allow them to keep their employer health insurance, put more money aside, and possibly boost their future Social Security benefits.

It's probably not what they want to hear. But the strategy would give them a better shot at cushier golden years.

No Need To Hit The Panic Button

Sure, saving for retirement seems daunting. But follow a few basics, and you'll have enough cash to bring your dreams to life.

Baby boomers are seen as spendthrifts, credit-card addicts unable to deny themselves any pleasure, blithely ignoring the need to save for old age. "The boomer culture doesn't lead to saving for retirement," says Ann A. Fishman, president of New Orleans-based Generational Targeted Marketing. The vision of an aging group of 76 million heading toward financial catastrophe is deeply disturbing. Yet it could well be wrong. An impressive body of economic research paints a far more benign picture of the graying generation that makes up more than a quarter of the U.S. population. Many of those who rocked at Woodstock 35 years ago have accumulated more real wealth and earn more real income than their parents did at a comparable age. Boomers are also saving at roughly the same rate as their parents, suggesting they'll have more to tap after saying goodbye to their workmates. This generation is also expected to inherit at least $10.4 trillion, though most of that money will be highly skewed toward the rich.



As for those who come up short in their budgeting, working even a few years past traditional retirement age can dramatically boost a household's bottom line. A projected shortage of younger workers over the next two decades means that sixtysomethings should be welcome in the labor force. "There is no need to live in fear that you are going to be penniless in retirement," says Meir Statman, finance professor at Santa Clara University in Santa Clara, Calif.

If that's the case, why is it that conversations about retirement at work and neighborhood barbecues so often turn into litanies of woe and dark humor? Certainly, some segments of society are vulnerable, such as poorly educated, low-skill workers. Concerns persist about the long-term financial stability of Social Security and Medicare. But for most people, from the worker on the factory floor to the professional with a corner office, the apprehension stems largely from not knowing how much is enough to fund a lifestyle, let alone medical bills. Feeding those worries is the financial-services industry, which in large part is designed to lure your retirement dollars. The Wall Street marketing machine is adept at boosting its bottom line by stoking concerns about poor saving habits.

CREATIVITY CONQUERS ALL
Yet most people should find themselves with room for maneuvering later in life. All they need to do is follow some basic savings strategies and take a broad perspective on investment, including building skills employers value. Most important, by carefully thinking through "What really matters to me?" future retirees will devise sensible answers to the question of how much is enough. "People are very creative at coming up with solutions that work for them," says Ralph Warner, author of Get A Life: You Don't Need a Million to Retire Well.

In the 2004 edition of BusinessWeek's Retirement Guide, we'll help you organize your thinking about your next stage in life and develop strategies to make it happen. We'll show you how to know whether your nest egg will be adequate and introduce you to mutual funds that can help you accumulate it. If you would like some new environs for your next stage, we'll suggest some intriguing places.

The standard yardstick for retirement is that households need to generate around 80% of their preretirement income to maintain their standard of living. In a study by John Karl Scholz and Anath Seshadri, economists at the University of Wisconsin, and Surachai Khitatrakun of ERS Group, an economic consulting firm based in Tallahassee, Fla., 80% of households were found to be saving enough. The latest studies on retirement preparedness take a broad measure of wealth, incorporating homeownership, projected Social Security income, pensions, and nonretirement savings, for example, as well as the impact of financial setbacks such as an unexpected illness, a job loss, or a divorce.

Similarly, Barbara Butrica and Cori Uccello of the Urban Institute forecast that current retirees (those born 1926-1935) should have a median wealth of $448,000 at age 67, measured in 2003 dollars. That compares with a projected $520,000 for near-retirees (born 1936-1945), $589,000 for early boomers (born 1946-1955), and $609,000 for late boomers (born 1956-1965).

Not surprisingly, the well-heeled households are doing much better. The wealthiest 20% of current retirees, near-retirees, and early boomers can count on about 127% of their preretirement income in their golden years. The late boomers should have retirement income that's about 117% of their working years' income.

Those who regularly set aside money in retirement accounts are emerging from the turmoil of recent years in reasonable financial health. Workers' nest eggs did better than the stock market, according to the Employee Benefit Research Institute/Investment Company Institute 401(k) database. The database includes 15.5 million active 401(k) plan participants in more than 46,000 plans with $619 billion in assets as of 2002 (latest available data). From yearend 1999 to yearend 2002, the value of the 401(k) plans of workers in their 50s dropped by 15%. That compares with a 38% plunge in the benchmark Standard & Poor's (MHP ) 500-stock index. And since the S&P has delivered a 25% total return since then, those accounts should be in even better shape.

One factor shoring up portfolios was the flow of new money into 401(k)s with every paycheck. Equally important was that employees have also crafted well-diversified portfolios with 62% of the money invested in equities and the remainder parked in fixed-income securities. Diversification pays.

The sizzling home market has been a boon to household wealth, too. Median home prices have surged some 32% from the first quarter of 1999 to the same period this year. The long-term outlook for residential real estate plays a critical role in judging the adequacy of retirement savings. For example, Scholz, Seshadri, and Khitatrakun estimate that the 80% of households who are doing well shrinks to 58% when the scholars include only half of home equity. That suggests a generation's retirement prospects could sour if home prices crash.

WORKING LONGER
Still, the fear of a collapse in residential real estate seems overblown. The strongest single predictor of the direction of home prices is household income growth, and in 42 states that growth explains all the price increases in housing of recent years, says Karl E. Case, economist at Wellesley College. The spectacular price spiral that dominates the headlines is confined to eight states, including Massachusetts, New York, New Jersey, California, and Florida. Markets in those states risk a plunge in prices, he adds, but everywhere else prices are more likely to simply stall for a considerable period. Overall, taking into account long-term forecasts of income growth, the housing market should appreciate at a 4% annual rate, or 2% after adjusting for inflation, figures Mark Zandi, chief economist at Economy.com.

But what if savings are less than hoped for, maybe from a lifetime of bad habits, bad luck, or bad timing? For many people the answer to any deficit is, "Yes, I will work longer," says Laura Tarbox, president of Tarbox Equity, a financial planning firm in Newport Beach, Calif. Smart move, since the impact of earning a paycheck into the traditional retirement years is financially dramatic. The main reason is that an investment portfolio has more time in which to grow before you start drawing on it. The idea of working in their golden years is attractive to boomers, too. According to the latest baby boomer retirement survey by the AARP, 80% of respondents said they expect to be gainfully employed full- or part-time, or even start their own business, late in life.

In the Information Age, work should be less of a physical burden, especially with the population better-educated and healthier than previous generations. And demographic pressures should encourage employers to welcome older employees. Anthony Carnevale, a job expert at Educational Testing Service, predicts a skilled labor shortage of some 5 million in 2010 and 14 million by 2020. "Many of my clients expected to work part-time in retirement," says Marc Collier, a certified financial planner at Wellesley Financial Architects in Wellesley, Mass. "They've been surprised at how much they are in demand for consulting work."

Working longer can give a retirement plan a powerful boost. Take an executive who's 46 today, with nearly $600,000 in retirement and nonretirement accounts. At age 60 with more than $1.6 million, he would be able to take out $115,000 a year (in constant dollars) from his portfolio, according to Financial Engines, a Web-based financial planning firm. Staying on the job until age 65, though, could boost his take by more than 50%, to $178,000.

Earning money in retirement certainly works for Fred Henry. By the early 1990s, he had worked for Bechtel Corp. for three decades, lately as a project manager in the power plant business -- and he was itching for a change. When he read a magazine article about a financial planner, he knew immediately what he wanted to do. He enrolled in financial planning courses at University of California at Los Angeles, left Bechtel, and earned a number of critical licenses and certificates in the financial-services business. Now 68, he works full-time as a certified financial planner in Torrance, Calif. Says Henry: "I wanted to get out of corporate life, and do something I'm interested in, and be independent."

While the overall trend in retirement savings is positive and work provides a crucial safety valve, how does anyone figure how they're doing right now? Are you putting enough into retirement savings? Do you have too much in stocks or too little? What if you only started saving in your fifties? The short answer is there is no magic number, no infallible rule of thumb that solves the retirement savings equation.

THE GOOD LIFE
But there are good strategies. Start asking yourself what kind of life do you want to lead? What do you want to do? Do you intend to stay in your community, or do you dream about moving to another state or county? Is traveling the world your vision of the good life, or is it making a career shift? Later you can total your 401(k) statements, mutual-fund quarterly reports, mortgage payment schedules, savings simulations, and other financial figures.

Most people find that in the end, their vision of a good retirement is a variation on the life they've lived and the activities they've enjoyed all these years. "If you're given to T-shirts and blue jeans, you won't want to hang out at the country club," says Ross Levin, president of Accredited Investors, a financial planning firm in Edina, Minn. Adds Carl Goodin, a certified financial planner at Financial Planning Associates Inc. in Chesterfield, Mo.: "I have clients who have planned and retired comfortably on an amount of money that, for another client, would hardly pay the country club dues."

The basic financial planning guidelines kick in once you have developed a lifestyle road map. Own your home. Keep debt under control. Fund your 401(k) or similar retirement savings plan to the maximum and, assuming you meet the income requirements, an individual retirement account. The new law that put a lid of 15% on taxes on dividend payments is a powerful incentive to establish a taxable account for long-term savings, too. "You don't get anything better than this," says Christopher Wolfe, managing director and global head of equities for JPMorgan Private Bank. "High-quality companies, dividend payers, are an efficient way to save for retirement."

The mantra of financial planning is diversify, diversify, and diversify. The strategy of spreading money among stocks, bonds, international securities, cash, and other assets limits downside risk. Many investors are adding to their portfolios securities that safeguard against inflation, since rising prices erode the value of a dollar. The U.S. Treasury sells two fixed-income securities specifically designed to compensate holders for inflation as measured by the consumer price index. One is the Treasury Inflation-Protected Security, better known as TIPS. The other is a kind of savings bond, called I-bonds. Neither will produce dazzling returns, but they guarantee your capital will not be lost to inflation.

Managing money well is important. But for many people the most important investment they can make during their working years is in gathering the skills, education, and contacts they need for the work they want to do in retirement. And even though there are legitimate concerns about the financing of Social Security and Medicare in coming decades, most economists agree the elderly can rely on both safety nets being there to help out. Higher productivity growth will make paying the bill easier than anticipated only a few years ago.

Most Americans can afford to grow old. Along the way, individuals will be forced to make adjustments to portfolios, savings strategies, and expectations. Lots of things can go wrong, too. Some retirees will face enormous financial hardship from a lack of money, ill health, or both. But for the vast majority of society, old age is simply another stage of life with its own challenges and rewards.

Always Apologize, Always Explain

Why the two words, "I'm sorry" can be the most rewarding.

I was a mere child when the classic tear gusher Love Story hit theaters in 1970, but I wept along with the adult audience as the dying Ali MacGraw told the darling Ryan O'Neal, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Two years later, I saw another movie, What's Up, Doc?, in which Barbra Streisand's character repeated the very same line to the very same actor. This time, however, O'Neal had an answer. "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," he said.

For me, that was a lightbulb moment. I'd been swept along by the romance of Love Story, but even as I'd watched it, I'd felt an uncomfortable tickle in my brain. Young as I was (practically fetal, I swear), something was telling me that real lovers say they're sorry quite often. Sincerely. Fervently, even. This is not because dismal feelings like shame and regret are necessary components of a relationship, but because without apology no relationship would be free of them. Everyone does things that bother or hurt others; a bit of inconvenient procrastination will do it, or a grumpy comment made in a stressful moment. When we lack the ability to say we're sorry, minor offenses eventually accumulate enough weight to sink any relationship. But the simple act of apologizing can reestablish goodwill even when our sins are much, much graver. Of course, it must be done right. A lame, badly constructed apology can do more damage than the original offense. Fortunately, the art of effective apology is simple, and mastering it can mean a lifetime of solid, resilient relationships.

When to Apologize

I've heard many clients discuss and anticipate the "perfect moment" for an apology, claiming that premature contrition would just be too darn hard on the person they've wronged. Here's what I think: The perfect moment to apologize is the moment you realize you've done something wrong.

This seems obvious when we're contemplating somebody else's sins, but in the harsh light of our own guilt, we often try to protect ourselves from shame or censure by waiting for the heat to blow over. We may try to postpone apologizing or avoid it altogether by lying, blaming others, making excuses or justifying our actions. The impulse to go into such a stall is a big ol' signal. When you really don't want to say you're sorry, it's almost certainly time to do so.

On the other hand, you may be one of those people who apologize when they haven't done anything wrong. This is as false as failing to say you're sorry when circumstances warrant it. If you frequently apologize, it's time to stop. This kind of pseudo-apology may ease awkward conversations, but it's a form of crying wolf—it distracts attention from real issues and weakens meaningful apologies when the time for them arrives.

How to Apologize

Apologizing is rarely comfortable or easy, so if you're going to do it at all, make it count. Aaron Lazare, MD, a psychiatrist and dean of the University of Massachusetts Medical School, has spent years studying acts of contrition in every context, from interpersonal to international. He has found that, to be effective, most apologies need to contain the following elements:

1. Full acknowledgment of the offense. Start by describing exactly what you did wrong, without avoiding the worst truths. Once the facts are out, acknowledge that your behavior violated a moral code. It doesn't matter whether you and the person you've hurt shares the same ethics: If you've broken your own rules, you're in the wrong. Accept responsibility.

2. An explanation. A truthful explanation is your best shot at rebuilding a strong, peaceful relationship. The core-deep explanation for your behavior is your key to changing for the better. Explanations help you and your victim understand why you misbehaved and assure both of you that the offense won't recur. Excuses merely deflect responsibility. Leave them out of your apology.

3. Genuine expression of remorse. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of the comment "I'm sorry you feel that way" knows the difference between sincere regret and an attempt to avoid responsibility for bad behavior. Few things are less likely to evoke forgiveness than an apology without remorse.

4. Reparations for damage. An apology includes real repair work—not just saying "I'm sorry." Often there will be nothing tangible to repair; hearts and relationships are broken more often than physical objects. In such cases, your efforts should focus on restoring the other person's dignity. The question "What else do you want me to do?" can start this process. If you ask it sincerely, really listen to the answer and act on the other party's suggestions, you'll be honoring their feelings, perspective and experience. The knowledge that one is heard and valued has incredible healing power; it can mend even seemingly irreparable wounds.

After Apologizing

When you really apologize, you should feel good about yourself. An effective apology is, as Lazare puts it, "an act of honesty, an act of humility, an act of commitment, an act of generosity, and an act of courage." But there's no guarantee that the other person involved will share your warm fuzzies. The final gallant act of apology is to release your former victim from any expectation of forgiveness. No matter how noble you have been, he will forgive—or refuse to forgive—on his own terms. That is his right.

Anne Lamott refers to forgiveness as "giving up all hope of having had a different past." The same words apply to apologizing. An apology is the end of our struggle with history, the act by which we untangle from our past by accepting what it actually was. From this truthful place we are free to move forward, whether or not we are forgiven. Apologizing doesn't make us perfect, but it shows our commitment to be honest about our imperfections and steadfast in our efforts to do better.

It reminds us of what Ali MacGraw's Love Story character died too young to learn: that love means always being willing to say you're sorry.

Know Your Fish

How Safe Is Seafood?

For over two decades, researchers proclaiming the health benefits of fish — it's low in fat, high in protein, and rich in cardioprotective omega-3 fatty acids — have encouraged Americans to up their intake. The result: Each of us now eats a record 16.6 pounds every year, including double the amount of shrimp and salmon we consumed in 1994. But lately, headline-grabbing studies have warned that dangerous contaminants in lakes, rivers, and oceans may make seafood too risky.

The biggest health hazard is mercury, a toxic heavy metal linked to neurological problems in developing fetuses and children. Long-living fish have the highest concentrations of mercury. Last fall, reports from both the Institute of Medicine and the Harvard Medical School agreed with a 2004 governmental advisory that four mercury-tainted fish — shark, swordfish, tilefish (also called golden snapper or golden bass), and king mackerel — should never be eaten by pregnant women, women who may become pregnant, nursing mothers, and kids under 12. The advisory also recommended limiting the intake of canned albacore tuna and tuna steaks to 6 ounces per week for this group.

For almost everyone else, however, the studies determined that the benefits of moderate seafood consumption greatly outweigh the risks. In fact, the Harvard research found that people who have one to two servings of seafood each week might reduce their heart attack risk by a whopping 36 percent. If you're adding more seafood to your family's diet, vary the menu to reduce the risk of mercury contamination from a single source; choose low-mercury varieties like catfish, shrimp, and scallops; and switch to chunk light tuna, which usually averages one-third the mercury levels of albacore.

PCBs (polychlorinated biphenyls), chemical compounds banned in the 1970s as probable carcinogens, are also found in some seafood. In 2004, a study found that farmed salmon, which accounts for 90 percent of the salmon in supermarkets, contained markedly higher levels of PCBs than wild salmon. The reason: Farmed salmon are typically fed a diet of ground fish meal and fish oils, which are high in PCBs. According to a 2004 study in the journal Science, there's a more than sevenfold difference in the PCB levels of wild and farmed salmon. Some consumer groups advise that you limit your intake of farm-raised salmon to a single, 8-ounce (or less) meal a month. The FDA, however, counters that salmon is a powerhouse source of cardiovascular-friendly omega-3 and that the likelihood of developing cancer from PCBs is much lower than the risk of heart disease from avoiding salmon — wild or farmed.

The Safest Choices

These fish and shellfish are low in mercury, PCBs, dioxins, and other contaminants.

Catfish (U.S. farm-raised)
Clams
Cod (Pacific)
Crab
Haddock
Halibut (Pacific)
Herring
Lobster
Mahimahi
Mussels
Oysters
Pollack
Salmon (wild, canned)
Sardines
Scallops
Sea bass
Shrimp
Squid
Tilapia
Trout (farm-raised)
Tuna (canned light)


Eat in Moderation

Limit your consumption of these fish and shellfish to no more than four 6-ounce servings per month. For women who are or may become pregnant, nursing mothers, and children under 12, the Institute of Medicine recommends no more than 6 ounces of albacore each week.

Albacore tuna (canned white)
Blue crab
Bluefish
Flounder
Halibut (Atlantic)
Marlin (blue)
Salmon (farm-raised)
Tuna (ahi or bigeye, yellowfin, and bluefin)


Be Very Cautious with These

According to both the EPA and the FDA, women who are or may become pregnant, nursing mothers, and children under 12 should avoid these fish because of the levels of mercury contamination in them.

King mackerel
Shark
Swordfish
Tilefish (also called golden snapper and golden bass)

What Does "For Worse" Look Like?

It can happen with a phone call at 4 a.m. It can happen when your doctor says, "I have some bad news...." It can happen a week after your honeymoon, or in the middle of a deadline crunch at work, or on your way to your child's yellow-belt ceremony. Tragedy can hit, hard, anytime. And though it's romantic to think that couples can cling together and weather the storm, the reality is, many twosomes in trouble find themselves being pulled apart instead.

"Hardships highlight a relationship's weak points," says REDBOOK Love Network expert Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want. "What were once small cracks get wider." Although it's human to feel angry, helpless, and very, very alone at times like these, there is an upside: Sometimes just making it through these lower-than-low relationship moments can draw you two closer. As proof, here are five couples who've been tested by trials, made it through to the other side, and whose love for each other is deeper, calmer, and stronger than ever now that they've learned what it really takes to hang in there - for better and for worse.

Their love survived...his near-fatal war injury

After the U.S. declared war on Iraq in 2003, David Lofgren made a decision that his wife, Giap, still doesn't entirely understand: He volunteered to fight for his country. "I would have loved to tell him 'Don't go,'" Giap, 34, admits. But David, 45, who's spent the last 18 years serving in the Marines, felt it was his duty.

In August 2005, he kissed his wife and their four sons, ages 2 through 10, good-bye. But just two months later, while on a search for insurgents in Ramadi, David was hit with a round of gunfire in his abdomen, both legs, and one hand. "I looked down, saw the blood, and my first thought was, Please, God, let me see my wife and kids one more time before I die," David recalls. Back home in Norfolk, VA, Giap received the call that her husband had been critically injured.

"At that moment, I imagined what it would be like to never again hear him tell silly jokes to the kids or say that he loved me," Giap says. "I was scared. I had no idea where he was, how he was doing, or whether he'd live."

Flown back to the U.S., David underwent 20 surgeries in 20 days as doctors struggled to save his life. Miraculously, David's condition improved, and by January, he was allowed to return home. But life hardly returned to normal. Still stiff from his injuries and groggy from pain medication, "I was this lump," admits David. Unable to wrestle with his kids or take his wife ballroom dancing, as he'd promised before going abroad, he often felt helpless and a little humiliated. "Giap had to do everything, from dressing me to changing my colostomy bag," he says. "We used to take walks together, but it's hardly romantic if you're pushing an aluminum walker." Meanwhile, Giap often felt overwhelmed with her new responsibilities.

Recently, David admitted that one day he'd like to return to Iraq if his health permitted it. Knowing how sad he'd been watching war coverage on TV, or talking to his troops on the phone, Giap realized what her answer had to be. "I'm by no means in love with the idea, but I love him, so I'll support him no matter what," she says. David, in turn, has learned to accept that it may take a while to become the man he used to be. "In the past, I took care of Giap, but for now she takes care of me," he says. "In switching roles, we've learned new things about each other, and that's helped us grow closer."

Their love survived...their parents' illnesses

Just days away from toasting their first wedding anniversary in February 2004, Greg Stewart and Diane Connell received a phone call that would change the Los Angeles newlyweds forever. Diane's mother, they learned, had had a stroke. A month later, she suffered a second. As Diane struggled to come to grips with the grim prognosis and negotiate her mother's health-care needs, Greg, 35, did what many people are taught to do in this situation. "I tried to get her to talk about it," he says. But his efforts backfired. "I knew he meant well, but his need to engage me felt almost intrusive," explains Diane, 32. "If he got me talking about my emotions, I'd unravel and burst into tears. To keep it together, I just needed to shut down and shut him out."

Greg may not have understood Diane's need then, but he got a crash course two years later, when his own father, who has emphysema, was rushed to the hospital; he was not expected to live. Now Diane learned what it was like to be stonewalled. "It was eerie to see this unresponsive, unemotional side of Greg," she admits. And occasionally her desire to know what was going on in his head got the best of her. "She'd hammer away at me and I'd be begging her to stop asking questions," Greg says. But over time, they both learned that "being there" sometimes required giving each other space. "We'd go for hours without talking to each other, which we'd never done before," Diane says. It felt strange at first, but eventually, when one of them would least expect it, the other would open up.

"The experience revealed a facet of our relationship that we never knew existed before," Diane says. "You don't know how strong you are together until you've journeyed through the worst, and come back." Their parents are now in stable condition, and the couple no longer takes anything for granted, especially each other. "Everyone knows their parents are going to die someday," says Greg. "But when you actually face the abyss, you truly realize they won't be in your corner forever. And that's when you learn to really see your spouse as your family. It's a very comforting feeling."

How to Keep Joy in Your Life All Year Long

Play more!

We all need a few minutes a day for "adult play," advises DeAngelis. Too much to do? Schedule "fun appointments." Go bowling! Cook for friends! "When you do something physical - such as laughing or singing - it's chemically beneficial and can get you out of a funk," DeAngelis says. Another joy booster: Share funny anecdotes, or tell stories. Every evening, ask your man to talk about the high point of his day - and you do the same. It'll encourage a positive conversation, instead of one focusing on your daily annoyances.

Experience the power of choosing.
If you feel like you're in the movie Groundhog Day - living the same grind day in and day out - take control. "If you could wave your magic wand, what would your life look like?" asks DeAngelis. "Even if it seems like a fantasy, there'll be a grain of reality to work with." If you feel you deserve a raise, for example, don't wait for your boss to bestow one on you. Choose to make a case for yourself. Knowing that you have choices will lift that burdened, "stuck" feeling, making room for more joy.

Release what you don't need.
Get rid of psychological and physical clutter: old fights, used linens - whatever slows you down. If you're trying to forgive someone, write a letter that you may never send, suggests DeAngelis. "You can even burn it after you've purged your feelings. The process is cathartic, and it'll make you feel lighter." When you're done, celebrate!

Be present.
Most of us are engaged in the here and now about 8 percent of our waking hours - the rest of the time is spent thinking forward or backward, dwelling in worry or regret, according to research. One strong sign that you've checked out of your own life: Friends are always saying, "I just told you that." "Improve your active listening skills by making eye contact with people. It conveys interest and connection," says DeAngelis. Life - and your relationships - are much more fulfilling when you're actually there to enjoy them!

Instant Inspiration

Click for a pick-me-up. Check out these motivational sites:

bestinspiration.com

Rate your favorite stories, quotes, books, and movies. Also, get the free daily-quote newsletter and start each day with a little wisdom.

comfortqueen.com

Find balance in your life with take-it-easy tips from best-selling author Jennifer Louden. Get inspiration in your in-box with free daily e-mails, and chat on the site's message boards to remind yourself that you're not alone in seeking sanity and a life you love!

goodthings.com

An antidote to all the bad news out there: Read positive stories about people who are making progress - or share your own story. And check out "Good Gravy" for rejuvenating film, book, and music ideas.

5 Things to Be Happy About Right Now!

Postholiday sales equal guilt-free shopping!

Snow angels.

Four-wheel drive.

The restorative power of a cup of hot tea.

January 24: National Compliment Day.

Don't deflect kind words today - accept them graciously and then spread the love.

50 Easy Ways to Go Green

At the supermarket

Be picky about produce

Download the "Shoppers' Guide to Pesticides in Produce" at ewg.org. The wallet-size list sorts out the fruits and veggies that tend to be higher in pesticides (like apples and spinach) from produce with a lower count (like bananas and peas).

Choose "certified" coffee

Yuban coffee is Rainforest Alliance Certified (that means it's grown in a way that preserves the ecosystem). A Fair Trade Certified brand is Green Mountain Coffee Roasters. (Both brands are available at many markets.) For more on these certification labels, see the chart.

Support local farms

At eatwellguide.org, you can plug in your zip code and find suppliers of organic and sustainably produced meat, poultry, eggs, and more. If you buy locally, you won't have to rely on farms that ship food nationwide, which helps to decrease our dependence on oil and to cut back on gas emissions.

Tote your own grocery bag

Paper or plastic? Neither! If you're shopping for a small load, bring along a cute sack like the polka-dot tote, above, from Cath Kidston (cathkidston.com). Another practical option: the ACME Workhorse Style 1500 (reusablebags.com), which crunches into a tiny pouch that fits in your purse.

Pay attention to packaging

Every American produces about four and a half pounds of garbage a day. So before you buy something, eyeball the amount of cardboard, plastic, and/or other materials used for the box or wrapping. Wal-Mart is one big retailer that is waking up to the problem: The chain is replacing petroleum-based plastic containers with corn-based packaging for precut fruit, herbs, strawberries, and Brussels sprouts.

Around the house

Save money in the bathroom

Buy water-efficient showerheads. With low-flow models, a family of four can cut water usage by as much as 280 gallons a month-and yet not feel much difference in water pressure. Two we like: Kohler's Master Shower Eco (kohler.com) and Niagara Conservation's Earth Massage (niagaraconservation.com).

Bring home superhero plants

Certain greens can help remove indoor air pollutants like formaldehyde and benzene. Don't have the gardening gene? Golden pothos, English ivy, and peace lilies are all easy-to-grow toxin fighters.

Recycle rechargeables

Cell phones, digital cameras, and camcorders have made these batteries more popular than ever, but in certain states-Florida, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Minnesota, New Jersey, and Vermont-it's illegal to throw them away. Wherever you live, you can find a nearby store that will recycle them for you; just go to rbrc.org and type in your zip code.

Adjust fridge and freezer temps

Refrigerators eat up the most electricity in the household. Maximize efficiency by keeping the fridge at 37°F. and the freezer at 0°F.

Lighten up with energy savings

Consider using compact fluorescent lightbulbs (CFLs). They cost a bit more than regular bulbs, but you'll lower your electric bill and pay less in the long run-CFLs last up to ten times longer than traditional ones. (Worried that fluorescents will fill your house with a greenish glow? That's no longer a problem. When we compared a regular bulb with a GE Energy Star Qualified CFL, testers couldn't tell the difference.) You can buy CFLs at most hardware and home stores. To save more on lighting, install dimmer switches and use timers, indoors and out.

Recycle smart

From furniture to electronics, one person's trash is another's treasure-so when you want to dispose of an old item, don't make the dump your first stop. Two sites with alternatives: freecycle.org and earth911.org. The Freecycle Network describes itself as "a place to give or receive what you have and don't need or what you need and don't have-[to keep] stuff out of landfills." The Earth 911 Web site offers community-specific resources, with a focus on recycling. Check out the home page to find out where you can recycle your computer, your cell phone-even used motor oil.

Entertaining

Protect the earth while you picnic

At your next outdoor party, ask people to write their names on disposable cups so they'll use only one (to make it easy, put out markers). If you use disposable dinnerware, buy the kind that won't clog landfills or kill trees. To try: EarthShell plates and bowls (www.earthshell.com). They're made from corn, potatoes, and limestone-and cost less than 6 cents per plate.

Remodeling

Take paint precautions

Most paint emits VOCs (volatile organic compounds), the same kind of chemicals found in gasoline and nail polish. But manufacturers like Sherwin-Williams have developed water-based products that perform well but give off virtually no VOCs. Krylon's H20 paint is the first low-VOC latex spray paint that can be cleaned up with soap and water. Made from 99 percent food-grade ingredients, Anna Sova's Healthy Wall Finish (annasova.com) leaves your rooms smelling vaguely like vanilla. To be at least minimally organic, use a water-based latex paint, not an oil-based alkyd paint-and remember, exterior paints should never be used indoors.

Raise the roof with recycled materials

If your old shingles need replacing, consider a Classic Metal Roofing System (classicroof.com). It's made from recycled aluminum cans but resembles traditional shakes or tiles. Thanks to the Energy Policy Act of 2005, installing this type of material can qualify you for a $500 tax credit.

Choose energy-efficient appliances

Look for the Energy Star label, awarded to fridges, washers, and other products that exceed government efficiency standards by using less water or electricity. For Energy Star appliances that have been tested by GHI, visit goodhousekeeping.com.

Personal style

Dress in eco-chic clothing

Lara Miller's Melissa tunic is 100 percent bamboo, yet it's as soft as silk. (For stores, go to laramiller.net.) Linda Loudermilk, an eco-couture designer, uses fabric made from sasawashi (a Japanese leaf), along with bamboo, soya, and other exotic self-sustaining plants(lindaloudermilk.com).

Opt for new undies

Wearing 100 percent organic-cotton panties reduces your exposure to chemical pesticides in a sensitive area. Try Blue Canoe brand (goodhumans.com).

Make up with Mother Nature

Aveda's All-Sensitive Body Formula moisturizing body oil uses organic jojoba. What's more, most of Aveda's packaging is made from recycled material. A makeup line that's entirely organic: Nvey Eco (econveybeauty.com). We particularly like their eyeshadows.

Get sporty, eco-style

Patagonia's PCR fleece vest ($70) is made from recycled soda bottles.

Be clean (and green)

Pangea Organics soaps, which are made with organic and often Fair Trade Certified ingredients, are scented with oils like lavender and lemongrass. They come in a biodegradable carton that will start disintegrating within 48 hours if you plant it in your garden. Available at Whole Foods Markets.

Cooking and eating

Become a flexitarian

Swap out one meat dish a week for a veggie plate. Why? Because raising produce is "cheaper," in terms of energy, than raising animals. Log on to vegweb.com to find tasty, meatless recipes (our favorite: the lentil burgers).

Grill corn in its husk

Instead of stripping off the green leaves, soak the ear whole, then place it right on the barbecue-no aluminum foil required.

Go for the gold- coffee filters, that is

Spare trees by replacing paper filters in your coffeemaker with reusables (usually gold colored).

Get the organic habit

Switch to organic for at least one product that you buy every week.

Put it in park

Avoid drive-through windows, especially if there are long lines.

Compost

Instead of trashing food scraps, toss them into Gardener's Supply Company Kitchen Compost Crock, a ceramic countertop composter that's perfect for first-timers (gardeners.com).

Break out the bamboo

This plant is a far more sustainable natural resource than wood because it grows very quickly. Try the stylish bamboo bowls and cutting boards from TimberGrass (lamsonsharp.com).

Home office

Buy a laptop

It uses considerably less power than a desktop computer.

Get off junk mail lists

Register with the Direct Marketing Association's Mail Preference Service (dmaconsumers.org) and you'll see a significant reduction in mail after three months.

Double up on printing

Configure your printer so that it prints on both sides of the page. You know those extra pages you get when printing out one simple e-mail? Turn them over and put them back in the printer for reuse.

Invest the green way

Environmentally conscious mutual funds are increasingly available through 401(k) plans, especially if employees express interest. To learn more, log on to socialinvest.org; then talk to your benefits administrator.

For kids

Buy organic for baby

Hanna Andersson makes her children's clothing-including the romper at left-with 100 percent organic cotton grown without harmful chemicals (hannaandersson.com). This garment is also certified to meet the Oeko-Tex Standard 100 requirements, meaning every fabric, button, thread, and zipper is tested for over 100 potentially harmful substances. Another source for organic-cotton baby clothes is Wal-Mart's new George Baby line for sizes up to nine months.

Teach kids to be green

Give your little ones responsibility for your family's recycling and match whatever they make in deposits at the store. They'll learn about money and recycling at the same time.

In your yard

Mow-ercise!

Today's non-gasoline-powered reel lawn mowers are easier to push than the old models. Their eco-benefit: zero emissions (plus, you're getting great exercise). If you prefer a power mower, consider a quiet, battery-operated model from Black & Decker.

Warm up to solar energy

You may not be ready for a totally sun-powered home, but you can get a taste of the technology by using solar-powered lighting in your yard or on your patio. We like Malibu's Solar Floodlight (intermatic.com).

Go native

Plant flowers and shrubs that are well suited to your climate (the staff at your local nursery can help). The benefit: You'll use less fertilizer and pesticides.

Five eco labels you can really trust

--USDA Organic

Seen on: Food products

What it means: Food is produced without antibiotics, genetic engineering, or most synthetic fertilizers and pesticides.

--Rainforest Alliance Certified

Seen on: Coffee, chocolate, bananas

What it means: Companies harvesting the food practice soil and water conservation; they also reduce the use of pesticides.

--Fair Trade Certified

Seen on: Coffee, tea, chocolate, fruit, rice, sugar

What it means: Food is grown on small farms; farmers receive a fair price.

--Certified Humane

Seen on: Eggs, meat

What it means: Animals raised for dairy, meat, and poultry products are treated humanely. Growth hormones are prohibited, and animals are raised on a diet without antibiotics.

--Green Seal

Seen on: Napkins, toilet paper, paper towels

What it means: they must meet recycling and bleaching standards.

Losing Control To A Guy

Losing control is never fun

I hate feeling out of control and maybe that's partly why I'm so comfortable being single. The men that have made impacts on my life have generally caused me to lose some control, which is sometimes exciting, sometimes just?traumatic.

I would love to say that I deal with the traumatic moments as well as I handle the exciting times but the truth is I just can?t.

Close Encounters of the Past

I recently wrote about running into a man I used to care about a lot. I don?t think I made very clear how much he meant to me, partly because I didn?t think it was necessary and also because he hurt me more than I?d like to admit.

He changed who I was by basically being himself. He was older but not patronizing, smarter but not condescending, more culturally sensitive and politically aware but not pretentious. He was funny, interesting, creative and different. I?d never met anyone like him before. He probably doesn't even realize what a profound effect he had on my life because, like many young girls, I tried desperately to hide my feelings for him, as well as my ignorance about most of his interests, goals and ambitions.

Often people get very concerned about trying to impress people. Sometimes this results in ?copying? their personal passions, hobbies, etc. in an attempt to gain approval or interest. I don't think it's always a bad idea to absorb some aspects of different people?s personalities that you admire. There?s a difference between trying to be something that you aren't and letting someone else broaden your horizons, whether that?s in terms of food, music, politics or values and ethics.

Learning To Deal

Anyway, I was recently accused of not fully dealing with my recent encounter with this man from the past. I realized that it?s true; I haven?t. But it?s a complicated situation.

At the time of writing the article, I didn?t think it was a good idea to suggest ways to get over someone who meant a lot to you when I couldn?t do it myself. I didn?t know how I felt about the bizarre way that we finally ran into each other after months of unexplained silence but I did know that I wasn?t going to let it go. So I did what many 21st century gals would do, I emailed him. I explained that I felt hurt and confused about him cutting off communication for no apparent reason. I said that I had hoped we could stay in touch since we always got along well and that I?d appreciate an explanation.

I never heard back.

In the interest of full disclosure, he does live with his girlfriend. I didn?t know this when we first started meeting for the occasional coffee. It had been years since we?d worked together and it?s kind of awkward to announce your relationship status right away (although I still think he could?ve told me sooner, but I digress?). Either way, I don?t think the fact that he has a girlfriend is a good reason to stop being friends. Nothing remotely inappropriate was ever even hinted at. In fact, I don?t know for sure whether he even knew I had feelings for him. Speculation does nothing but drive me crazy.

Upon reflection, I think the best and only real way to deal with hurt and unreciprocated feelings is how you?d deal with any problem. You try to appreciate the good parts and learn from everything else. For me personally, I have the added challenge of needing to learn to let go.

All By Myself

Initially, my overwhelming need for control and emotional stability kick into high gear and force down feelings of vulnerability and sadness. I so desperately don?t want to be another girl whining about lost loves or opportunities (especially when I never even had him in the first place) so I try to downplay the significance of anything I can?t control. I also don?t want to idealize about the perfect man and relationship. I just want to be honest and smart with myself. At the same time though, sometimes I just want to give in to all that stupid behaviour that everyone allows themselves. I want to cry, talk for hours to friends, listen to sappy songs and I want to stop having to reassure myself that I?m okay, that I?m smart, funny and attractive.

The reason I can seem harsh about being so emotionally indulgent and call it stupid and lame is because it devolves so quickly from a genuinely helpful catharsis to detrimental, counterproductive behaviour. It's one thing to feel bad about something or someone but it's another to feel bad about yourself. Feeling as if you need a quick fix or someone to make you feel good about yourself can lead to bad choices in everything from food, to missing work, to sleeping with strangers. Those things make us feel better temporarily maybe, but much worse in the long run, creating a vicious cycle of self-destructive behaviour and negativity. Better to start with the negativity and tell yourself it?s stupid to be sad about a guy!

It?s also made me realize that being in control isn?t always the best place to be anyway. It?s an endless cycle of being dissatisfied. If he wrote back, I?d have dragged things on and the result would be the same. It just would?ve been a longer, more painful and probably embarrassing process for me.

I?ve been more introspective about my need for control regarding men in general. Maybe I wanted this man so much because I never felt in control, whereas with other men, it seems too easy sometimes. I don?t know why I seek this control because I hardly ever feel satisfied by the outcome. How satisfying is a reward that you feel you engineered entirely?

It's hard being single sometimes. It?s hard not to feel defensive and ganged up on. I've said before that I am tired of defending being single but what I?m really sick of is telling myself that it?s okay to be single. So much of the world seems geared to ending single life and people seem so happy when they find 'the right person', like it?s the ultimate prize.

While I do think there?s more to life than that, I think everyone does want to experience love, including me, so when it?s just not happening, it?s hard to reassure yourself constantly that there isn?t something wrong with you. It?s one thing to be cheeky about dating and to easily identify and reject people that aren?t for you, but it?s harder to be happy about the fact that you never do really click with someone. And it?s even harder to feel good about that when you come face to face with the one person you thought could really be ?The One? for you, when you know that he doesn't, didn?t, and won't ever feel the same way.

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letting go is hard to do

There are things we can?t control, it?s true. I?m still trying to get used to this. Maybe some of you need to learn to let go a bit too. No one is perfect. All we can do is try. We've all done things we're not proud of, we?ve all been hurt and frustrated, but since we can?t choose what happens to us, all we?re left with is choosing how we react to whatever does happen.

And of course, silently resenting someone for the rest of your life. Hey, miracles don?t happen overnight.

How to Fast Forward the Fight

We share some tips to help stop a little bickering from turning into a disaster.

You’ve been together for a while and are beginning to figure out that not everyday is a picnic. You begin to see forewarning signs of an impending explosion caused by who-knows-what. Whether or not you did something wrong is at this point irrelevant, only that you are not immediately making it better, or possibly making it worse, does.

This may be unfair but my mission today is to provide some helpful hints for all you boys out there to help both you and your ladies get through the rough patches without taking a chunk out of each other. Here, my friends, is a crash course on how to get through a fight with your girlfriend as smoothly as possible. Read carefully, this could save your life one day. Just kidding…

Avoid Crazy Talk

She could be talking about something that seems insane, irrational, or completely out there so you decide to call it like it is. Bad move. Telling her that she’s crazy or not making any sense, will just make the whole situation worse. Take a second to think about what she’s saying without getting defensive. Sometimes girls just get tired of asking for little things that make all the difference; that doesn’t make them crazy.

Say What You Mean

Ok, so let’s say you think she’s being a little excessive or getting too upset about a little thing. If your girlfriend is upset about your relationship with another girl, don’t brush her off with an evasive comment; try to talk to her about it. Explain your side of the story and reassure her!

Sitting there silently because you’re afraid of saying something to upset her does NOT help. I repeat: silence does NOT help the situation. Don’t gush out all your feelings every time you spend time with another woman, but girls like it once in a while to know what’s going on in your head and how you feel about them.

Mean What You Say

No, this is not the same as the last point. Apologizing without actually meaning it or even understanding what you are apologizing for is a brutal mistake. It may make the current state of discomfort go away but odds are, you WILL pick up the fight again in the near future. Save yourself the headache of fighting about the same things over and over again and make sure that you fully understand what she’s upset about and then deal with it. Still think she’s being unfair? Talk to her calmly and rationally.

Remain C-A-L-M

It may be hard, but do your best to look at the big picture and not just one part of
what she’s saying. I can’t count the number of times my boyfriend and I have gotten stuck on some tiny unimportant comment, made solely out of frustration.

These little comments are often the result of growing tension and aggravation because either you or your girlfriend just can’t get your point across properly. When you see the gloves coming off, try to keep yourself calm and lead by example. If she sees you trying to keep it civil, she will do the same.

Don’t Walk Out

This one doesn’t even get an explanatory paragraph, pretty straight forward and to the point. Need to get away? Let her know you need some space to think, don’t just pick up and leave. Sounds ridiculous to some but so many guys actually do this, it’s distressing.

Show Some Love

Maybe your lady being all frustrated and flustered does not give you the immediate desire to run up and hug her, but sometimes that’s all she needs. No, this is not a quick fix for the times that you screw up but when the freak out seems to come from nowhere, it’s possible we are looking for some comfort and reassurance.

Whether she’s working or schooling or both, the world has a way of bogging her down and some tender loving care often does the trick. She really doesn’t want to be yelling at YOU, but you happen to be there. Don’t act like you don’t do it too! Sometimes you just need to get out some frustration and then you require a comforting bear hug. There’s no shame in that!

Ground Yourself

Boys and girls, we are all guilty of this. Our other half starts nagging at us about something recent and we bring up all kinds of things that they’ve done in order to defend our actions, or to put the spotlight on them. This is a big no-no. It is important for you to keep yourself focused on the situation at hand so that it doesn’t escalate into something worse. Bringing up old issues only opens up old wounds and gives both of you more ammunition. Make love, not war, and leave the past in the past.

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get to the good stuff!

I wish there was some foolproof plan that I could give you all to insure that every fight could be dealt with in a jiffy, but alas, this is impossible. However, as a woman I can assure you that if you keep these tips in mind, you will make at least a tiny bit of progress in the struggle to understand your significant other.

Apply them as you think is appropriate, because let’s face it, she may be kind of wacky sometimes but she’s got your heart. How do I know this? Either you read this article to kill some time, or you really want to figure out a way to make your relationship stronger. Regardless, it shows some effort and that’s always good! So, to all you quarrelling lovers, I wish you speedy tiffs and hot make up sex!

Are you a wallflower that wants to become a social butterfly? We offer some advice.

Your social aptitude could quite possibly be the most important skill you possess. These skills need to be sharp all the time, whether you are at work, at play, or going about your daily activities and errands. Coworkers, friends, strangers, and the people that service you can all form an opinion about you from the way you speak and act.

Although it's a highly desired ability, the majority of people may not possess it. Surveys show that public speaking tops many people's list of fears. So, if you struggle with social settings, feel nervous speaking publicly, or have trouble meeting new people, there's nothing wrong with you. You aren't alone.

You may envy the social butterflies, who can speak with a silver tongue and dazzle a captive audience. However, being successful in social situations doesn't necessarily have anything to do with speaking. Becoming the kind of person that everyone wants to be around doesn't have to be complicated; there are myriad ways to make yourself more socially successful.

Be Approachable

Making yourself approachable really comes down to two important elements – body language and facial expression. People are going to form an opinion about you, and decide if they want to approach you before you even say a word. So, it is essential to emit a positive vibe.

Body Language

Next time you're at a social gathering, take a moment to reflect on what your body language is saying to others. The way you stand can send a message to other guests. If you want to send a warm, approachable message, your body language should reflect that desire. This means standing and mingling with others, not off on your own, with your arms crossed across your chest.

If you're part of the action, people are more likely to involve you in their conversations. Even if you aren't comfortable, you don't have to appear that way. Attain a relaxed, open stance that welcomes other people into your space.

Facial Expressions

Your face is the gateway to how you feel and it is the first thing people are going to notice. A friendly smile, a warm laugh, and eye contact are fundamental. This tells others that you are someone who is enjoyable to talk to and fun to be around.

Know Your Strengths

It's always helpful if you have a good understanding of your interpersonal strengths and look for ways that you can maximize them. Perhaps you have a great sense of humour, or you're a good storyteller. You can make a positive impact on other people through your strong points.

Be a Good Listener

Listen more, speak less, and show respect. Active listening is a skill. It involves maintaining eye contact and nodding in acknowledgement as you listen. It is important that you give the speaker signs that you are interested in what he or she is saying. This gives that person the confidence to keep talking.

You must also acknowledge that you understand what the person is trying to communicate. Try repeating or rephrasing the point that he or she is trying to make. It helps the speaker know that you are listening and more importantly, understanding them.

Respond to the Speaker

To keep a conversation flowing, make sure to ask exploratory questions. They are not questions that yield a yes or no response. Rather, they are open-ended and prompt the other person to elaborate. Use one of these examples: "Can you describe what it's like?"; "How do you feel about that?"; "What is your opinion on...?" These types of questions can provide further insight into the topic and allow a natural progression to a new topic.

Also practice responding with your own thoughts and opinions, after you have taken the time to understand the speaker's perspective. People won't be interested in a nodding bobble head. They want to know that you are capable of forming your own thoughts and ideas.

Mingle

Although it may put you at ease, avoid clustering in a small group with your friends and people that you already know. You won't gain the confidence to mingle with new people if you always stick to the same crowd.

Instead, make the rounds and introduce yourself to people you don't know and initiate friendly conversations. The more you do this, the easier it will become.

Dress for the Occasion

Yeah, it sound superficial, but how you dress is projecting an impression on others. And, if you dress appropriately for the occasion and fit in with others, you will feel more comfortable. Dressing for social success means that you show up in attire that is suitable to the situation.

To ensure that you are dressing fittingly for an event, you can call other people and ask what they're wearing.

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be yourself

Becoming confident in social situations requires practice. Rehearse in environments where you are already comfortable. This can be achieved in the workplace, and amongst friends and family. This will prepare you for any social setting.

Once you are prepared, you will feel confident. When you're confident, you will feel comfortable. And when you are comfortable, you're more likely to be yourself.

A Guide To Breaking Bad Habits

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Change is not an easy task. If it were, we'd all be out of debt, in perfect relationships and on top of the world. And that clearly isn't the case. We make poor decisions out of habit, and then when it doesn't work the first time, we try the same thing again hoping for different results. Does this seem a little odd to you?

Why can't we see that trying to exit an old story by simply writing a better ending in our minds, just doesn't work? It only recreates the same story again and again and ensures we remain in it. Sometimes, the solution to breaking a bad habit begins with denying that we know the right answer. It's a tough battle and many people avoid it for as long as they can. But the sooner you replace your bad habits with good ones, the better off you'll be.

Focus on the System

The system is my term for the never-ending cycle of repeating poor decisions. When something is simply not working out for you and you decide to keep doing it over and over, you're sticking with a system that is just not working.

Devote special attention to the things that seem frustrating, out of your control, and impossible to address. For you, this could be money, politics, personal growth, etc. The first step in helping yourself is pinpointing what the problem is.

Focus on Theory

Remain theoretical about how to transform various systems and about what needs to be done. Avoid detail, singular aspects, and application. For example, if spending money is a problem for you, don't focus on specific instances when you were unhappy with how you spent money. Instead, focus on the broader scope. Are there certain factors that are always at play when you mis-spend your money? Perhaps it's only when you're depressed. Or maybe it's only when you're in a rush.

Chances are, you'll find a consistency here and you'll be able to break this bad habit by fixing the main problem.

Believe in Expert Opinions

When discussing your problems with a therapist or someone with authoritative knowledge on the subject, believe in their expertise. It is so easy to disregard what they say because it doesn't fit into what you have always done. You may be tempted to go out and seek another opinion in hopes the second one will better suit your desires.

So dismiss any notion that their expertise is wrong or not right for you. If you believed in this expert enough to have gone to them for advice, chances are they are correct in whatever they say.

Debate the Obvious

When the solution to a question seems so obvious, give it a second look. When you have done something so many times that it has become routine, you tend to make a decision based on that experience. Again, you tend to neglect the fact that the result has always been negative.

The moments when you can debate your natural solution are the ones that count most. Think of a solution that would otherwise seem ridiculous to you and debate that in your head. It may be just the one for you.

Going with the obvious solution could mean you're just carrying on with the same bad habits.

Do not Decide in Advance

The next time you're placed in a situation where you have to make one of these decisions, allow the urgency of a situation to decide for you. Rather than planning in advance and knowing exactly what your decision will be, don't think about it at all. The gravity of a last-minute emergency forces immediate action and enables your instincts to take over.

One caution with this point is not to let your habit decide for you. Let your human instinct and common sense tell you whether you are about to make a smart move or a very poor one.

Focus on Failure

Failure is something that we don't focus on enough in our culture. And when we do talk about failure, it's only to console the person who has failed. But failure is a very powerful tool if we know how to use it.

When you are in the middle of the cycle of a bad habit, you know what the result is going to be, because it's happened so many times before. You're going to make the habitual decision - which is the wrong decision - and fail. So give failure the respect it deserves. Fear it. This will put a lot more weight into the decision.

Failing once at something is a learning experience. Failing twice at the same task for the same reason makes you a fool.

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change is no easy task

As you can see, change is no easy task. It takes determination, skill and a solid strategy for getting there. But there is a bright side - the only thing harder than change is trying to stick with those bad habits.